Durham & Tyneside Dialect Group / Literature / Jason Lives!                   


 

JASON'S ALIVE!

Jason's Alive wopens wi' Tommy drivin' tappy-lappy 'lang a dowly aad road wi' his marra Allen (ye'll hev met Allen afore noo, mind?). They get to the deed place – wheer Jason's happed up 'n' barried – an' Tommy teks up his hack an' howks thon Jason's body oot th' yorth, aal set te born him an' fettle him forivvor. Forst tho', he grabs a handy spile an' progs Jason aal ower wiv it!
Eftor, jist as Tommy is ettlin' te born Jason up an' mak him intiv a neat ass-midden, Jason's mawk-full een joggle wopen. He's wick! For what did not Tommy leave him barried i' th' yorth? For what had not Sherriff Garris or the Mayor gart his deed body borned lang syne?
Noo Jason is up-risin' frae th' griave – Tommy finnds hissell rinnin' fer his life as a gert spate o' rain ends onny chance o' gerrin' Jason aleet. Tommy drives te the local pollis station an' tells Sherriff Garris that Jason's wick yance mair. Garris doo'ts hee's away te the shows, and locks Tommy up i' th' kitty.
The morn is thrang wi' killin's – varnigh the whole crew's slaughtered an' the screen's as reed aza poppy-field.
But Aa'll nut tell ye onny mair, less' Aa give the plot away an' spoil th' fil'm fer ye…

QUATYMASS 'N' TH' PIT

Pictor yessell a daytal warker howkin' up th' grund te mak the foondations fer a gert new biggin' jes ootside th' toon waals. It's a bornin hot day - yor hands is slippy on the pick – an' ye nearlies spikes yor aan foot. But yeh misses, an' i'stead th' pick gans CLANK! on summat metal-like. Ivrybody rins fer cover, jaloosin ye've hit an aad war-time bomb.
Wark stops, an ye aal hevva blaa while th' army's summoned te fettle it. What they unhap is nut sae much a bomb as a bliddy gert space-ship, liggin fast i' th' groond. Quatymass is caal'd in, fer he's a clivvor rocket-man. He finnds hissell weel mizzimazed as te hoo a modern rocket-ship comes te be happed i' yorth far belaa th' aad hooses that stood thor afore ye demolisht em and dug doon unnerneath.
He doots th canny mazer's frae Mars, a reed planet atwix th' Yorth n th' Sun. He warrants th' queer insect-like bodies he finnds i' th' prow o' th' vessel's anteek Martians. Weel, Dan Smith he comes alang an laffs at Quatymass fer obstructuratin' his canny new toon haal, an' tells ye te get the taggermen in te shift yon heap o' scrap metal. In comes a meity hi-ab te tak it away when th' vessel starts bummin n glowin like a gert big blackclock larva, riddy te hatch oot…
But Aa'll nut tell ye onny mair, less' Aa give the plot away an' spoil th' fil'm fer ye…

DOVERIN-OWER HOLLO

Somewheers in sleepy New England, three morders hes freet a little toon an' a detective that naebody wants i' New York is sent to fettle it aal. Thor's three bodies aareet, but nae heeds, for the morderer hes snedded them off an chun them away. Whee cud hae diun thir horribul deeds? The local folk warrant it's aal the wark of a deed Hessian hossman, by which they means a horseman frae Hesse in Jarmany, not one myed o clootie bits. This ghoolie ghostie hed his aan heed snedded off some years syne, an noo rides oot on his black horse wi his sword iv 'is hand, seekin aal manner an' mak o' vengeance.
Or mebbies he's telled whee tiv attack. Fer all th' folks he's killed woz bund tegither in a mirky plot aboot land an' Dutch windmills.
Weel, this detective, a reet toonie, gets an aaful shock when he sets een on the horseman, an' ye can guess hoo frit everyone else is, sae they aal thrang tegither i' th' chorch fer safety, an' thor we leave them, wi the Hessian horseman circlin' th' holy kirk but unyebble te get.
Probablies ye knaa hoo it torns oot, fer ye'll hev seen the DVD on iv'ry carboot stall frae Seaham till Chester-le-Street and noo it's on telly an aal.

MORDER ON TH' YORIENT EXPRESS

Mishur Pworo, the fyemous Beljan detectiv, was fast asleep iv is bunk on th' grand triain that rins frae Vienneh til Istanbul, when a dreich skreekin an' yammerin wakens him. “Whee's morderin whee?” he axes hissell as he dons his dressin-goon n toddles oot te the corridor. “Hilp! hilp!” gollers a guard i' th' nex carriage an thor Pworo finnds a deed body liggin' o' th' floor ova compartment, wiv twilve gert bliddy woonds, but nae sign o' a gulley or ither weapon!.
Noo it sae happens that thor's twilve ither passengers i' that carriage, and Pworo torns poliss tiv interrogate them. He siun discovers th' deed man was a kidnapper that the Laa nivvor tiuk up. He couls tegither the twilve travellers in th' restoorant car an' accuses them aal o' plottin' a revenge morder, fer they woz aal frinds n relatives o' th' kidnap victim.
Deed easy te figor oot, that one.

DR PHIBES RISES AGYEN

If ye've met Doktor Phibes afore, he's a deed dangerous gadgie that liuks a bit like Vincent Price. Iv his forst fil'm he killed aal th norses that operated on his wife when she deed; noo he's ettlin to bring his wife back te life, usin' some Everlastin' River in Auncient Ejipt. On'y he's fergetten wheer the river is, an' he's lossed his map.
Exackly, a few morders later, he's won the map back agyen an' set sail for Ejypt. A fat Welsh fyeul that interferes wi his plan is squeezied intiv a gert glaess bottle an left floatin' in the Solent. When the poliss finnd that, they knaa for sure Phibes has risen agyen.
Noo the gadgie that chored th' map an' has noo lost it to Phibes is also ettlin' te get hissell eternal life and follers Phibes to Ejipt. The poliss follers them baith, egged on by Beryl Reid. Thor, deep in an art-deco mountain Phibes finnds his river an' a key to the yett to the river. He's aal set ti mak good, when thon rival gadgie torns up, and th' poliss an aal, hot on thor trail.
But Aa'll nut tell ye onny mair, less' Aa give the plot away an' spoil th' fil'm fer ye – except ti remark that it ends wi a full trumpet renderin o' 'Somewheer ower th' rainbow'.



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